OOOOOOOoooooo we're halfway there... oooooooO! livin' on a prayer...
Before we get to that, I wanna make a note of how intra-division matchups really got started after the first-quarter. For the last three weeks, we had everyone playing teams from their opposite division. The overall records of the two divisions after the Gettysburg showdown (yeah, I just came up with that. I dunno why): both are 20-20 combined. Yeah, I told you this league was even, including with division records.
We'll start off this report with an anecdote. This past Monday, I ventured downtown to ESPN Zone Chicago, where Bill Simmons, my sportswriting hero, was having a book signing. How big of a fan am I of Bill Simmons? I remember first reading him when he came to ESPN, getting hooked on one of his earliest ESPN articles about Len Bias, and I've been reading him since. Since 2001, freshman year of high school, his humor and sports viewpoint has been a major influence on me. I defend him against those who criticize his ability to write (Casey sucks), his homerism, and other stuff. I've read all of his ESPN chatrooms and articles, I've gone back and looked at all the stuff he wrote about The Wire and Friday Night Lights after watching those two shows (and no, I don't just like them because he does. Both of these shows are remarkable and should be checked out. The Wire is probably the greatest show of this decade and in the top-10 ever at the very least. Friday Night Lights is the best sports TV show I've ever seen, maybe only second to Hang Time. And it's about football. A football show done right. AKA not Playmakers).
Anyway, I imagine you weren't expecting to read that beatoff to Simmons just then, but I couldn't help it. VERONICA CORNINGSTONE AND I ARE IN LOVE, AND I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW. When I finally got to the table (by this point I was unfortunately by myself, as Marshall, who was with me in line earlier, had to peace out), Simmons signed my book quickly because he was going through such a long line. Most people could only get in comments as he signed with quick comments back, and the guy before me tried to make some joke about asking if there was a Teen Wolf reference in his book. Simmons just kept looking down and signing and said "yeah, it's possible". Rocked.
I didn't really have any time to say anything, so all I said was "Hey Bill, I just wanted to say I've been reading your stuff since freshman year of high school." Simple and sincere. Bill looked up and said aw thanks, and we shook hands. And that, my friends, is the hand that is writing this article today. Witness greatness. Or not.
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Now for the fantasy football league, the RFC Beast. We are halfway through what may be the greatest fantasy football season in history. It is certainly one of the more even leagues I've been a part of. In fact, I decided to utilize a new ranking system to help me decide how to rank the teams this time around, after being unsatisfied with my arbitrary debates after Week 4. Sure, rankings in things like the BCS are terrible and just disastrous, but in Fantasy Football, they work a lot better. And this ranking doesn't decide a multimillion-dollar college sport that affects the paths of many teams and players. Screw you, college football.
So how did I set up this complex ranking system? What crazy computer program did I use? It was, GASP, Excel! And I could have used pen and paper too. I looked at each week and ranked the teams from first to last that week based on their points. I did that for all 8 weeks so far, added up the ranking places that each team had (if you were first in the league that week, you had 10, last gets 1), and voila! Why do I like this? Because it is a better assessment than total points, as it balances out the effect of a team having an incredible, incredible points total one week and fluctuating their points total overall. This shows how well a team does week-in and week-out. Overall, there would have been 440 points to go around, with the average points total being 44.
Before we get to that, I wanna make a note of how intra-division matchups really got started after the first-quarter. For the last three weeks, we had everyone playing teams from their opposite division. The overall records of the two divisions after the Gettysburg showdown (yeah, I just came up with that. I dunno why): both are 20-20 combined. Yeah, I told you this league was even, including with division records.
The Jerry Hopkins Division
10. Flaming Romophobes (Record 2-6, 706 pts overall, 10th place in standings, 33 ranking score)
Khadir's team isn't doing so hot. At all. And it's most exciting highlight of the season so far? A trade with Peck of Buffalo D for NYG D. Exciting.
Despite having all the Cowboys in the world, Khadir failed to get the hottest one of the season, Miles Austin. Although he won this past week, his showing throughout the season has been more comparable to that of the Redskins (ugh, the Redskins season) than the Cowboys. Khadirty's ranking's score is 5 points lower than the next worse. That's pretty bad. Khadirty, you've been making Jerry Hopkins look bad. Time to shape up. You'll need a bigger makeover than Jerry Jones' face in the 90s.
9. Boston Lemon Party (Record 3-5, 738 points overall, 9th place, 38 ranking score)
8. Hamstars (Record 3-5, 752 points overall, 7th place, 38 ranking score)
Putting two NFC teams in last place kills me, but I can't really argue another way. I wanted to put Molly here, I really did, but I like his team better. Especially after Peck lost Owen Daniels to a season-ending injury. I also think that Peck got to worser end of his trade with Harriet, where he traded Steve Breaston and Frank Gore for Brandon Marshall and Carnell Williams. While it wasn't a terrible trade by any means, I just like Frank Gore a lot (I know he has RB depth, but I'm just sayin'), and B Marshall needs to get hotter again after some weak weeks. And the trade makes Harriet's team stronger, which puts her ahead of these two gents. Guess the woman's not at the bottom of this man-pile... uh...Molly wrote that one.
Molly's mistake of Michael Turner doesn't change the fact that Turner is still a first-round type of player, and the worse-icon-ever has been lucky to have Braylon "I-can't-feel-my-hands" Edwards be traded to the Jets (did you know the New Orleans D has more TDs than the Browns' O? That is...terrible. Just terrible. and LoLzzzz0rzzzzz. Eric Mangina strikes again!), and yeah, Reggie Wayne is good. But Molly, you still suck. Hamstars? Really? Are you in second grade still?
Bill Simmons Division (because despite my support for Simmons, I can't deny that he can sometimes suck at Fantasy Football, and he apparently forgot to switch out his kicker on bye this week because he was so busy with book signings even though he was on break during the weekend. This with the kicker who's on the Patriots, his favorite team, by the way.)
7. DoubleDsOnThatBitch (3-5, 740 points, 8th place, 41)
Before last week, I questioned if Harriet even cared anymore. Heck, she was in 'Nam, had Brian Westbrook, who was clearly injured, in her starting spot, and her drunk psycho self was roaming the streets like a drugged out US soldier in the 60s. The trade with Peck definitely makes things look better, although not necessarily spectacular. Just an improvement. Do I see her defending her title in the playoffs? Nah, not really. But this team could make things exciting. Also, in Harriet's defense, apparently she didn't start McNabb one week because she was out of town or something. That's actually no excuse, but whatever, Harriet. You're probably high on morphine.
With LDT, Gore, and Westbrook, she has 3 guys who are old/oft-injured. That still means she has a decent shot of having two of them start each week! Gotta play those odds sometimes. 3 old men trying to perform. Maybe she should take on Peck's team name.
6. Slumdoggy Style (6-2, 809 pts, 1st place, 42)
This is where things got more difficult. Faheem's team is ranked #1 in the standings, ahead by at least a game over everyone else, and he's been #1 for most of the season. But he's not the best team, at least not so far in my opinion, and it doesn't seem like he will be. Maybe he'll prove us wrong, but I don't have as much confidence in that.
What does the ranking system say? It says Slumdoggy Style is 6th out of 10. You heard me. That wasn't a typo. THAT JUST HAPPENED. So I had to weigh how I wanted to rank this. Faheem is still two games ahead of Jaimin and Ferras, and one game ahead of me, Mark, and Alex. So the question is, do I think his team has a good shot at making the playoffs, the top 4? And I think he has a decent shot still. His record gives him room to breathe. But for the sake of these rankings, for the sake of making my ranking system the end-all-be-all of this midseason report (Doesn't this remind you of the BCS? Don't you love it? There's nothing you can do to stop me!), I'll put Faheem at #6.
Slumdoggy made one of the better FA pickups of the last few weeks, if not, the season, with Miles "Roy Williams is garbage" Austin. Otherwise, Rivers hasn't been Rivers 2008 so far, the running game is a little weak (such it McGahee!), and the WR3 spot hasn't been great either. Let's see if Faheem can take on the league the way he's been taking on the U.S. Government for the last 8 years. Get it? Cause his last name is Ahmed? And he likes curry?
Tony Reali Division- I've only read like one of Tony Reali's fantasy football articles from this year (Stat Boy from PTI and host of Around the Horn for you who don't know him), but they don't seem that great. Still, this is an upgrade of a name over Champ Bailey, who had no realistic connection to fantasy football last time.
5. Ginn and Juice (4-4, 804 points, 6th place, 44)
I actually thought this team might be really good during my 1st quarter report, even considered putting it in the top-2, but I refrained. It hasn't done as great as I anticipated. Steve Smith NYG has gone back down to normal, there's still no solid WR3, and well, we're honestly at a point here where the teams that are good aren't necessarily great. I don't really have a lot of criticism here; the team just isn't as good as the teams ahead. Remember how I said this league is incredibly even? Case in point. Remember how Ferras got rid of Ted Ginn Jr.? He still doesn't have him. Alex has him. This name makes as much sense as the Utah Jazz, the L.A. Lakers, or the fact that the show Glee's biggest storyline in its season so far is an absurd pregnancy plot. But I digress.
4. el luchador (4-4, 811, 5th place, 45)
Despite all the haters in the league for Gimpy McGimperson, the Indian wrestler sex-fiend that you would keep away from your children, Jaimin's actually got a solid team so far. As I said in the last quarter, you can't deny the power of blue-chippers, and he's got the top-fantasy-qb so far in Aaron Rodgers and the second-best RB in Jones-Drew. That's legit. In a league like this, sometimes what matters is that you just have a couple of the best players. You can compare Fantasy Football a little more to the NBA than the NFL this way. Having a Jordan and a Pippen can make you a champ. Maybe.
With Thomas Jones too, he has a killer RB combo. Still, this team isn't flawless. It's more imperfect than others, with weak WRs (read: Boldin is not good this year). But hey, maybe there won't be a samurai sword to stab an oxygen-deprived and incredibly confused Jaimin in and around the crotch (I don't think that happens in the movie, but it's funnier that way).
Matthew Berry Division
3. McNair InThe Shotgun (5-3, 823 points, 4th place, 51)
Whiny Sir Whinerson has earned his way out of the Bill Simmons Division into the top division. Maybe he won't cry at night anymore. Plus, his real NFL team is actually doing well this season, so screw him.
Led by Drew Brees (or as Wilbon would say, DREWWW BREEEEEEESSS!!!), Alex's team has overcome the breakdown of his 6-RB platoon. In the dust lay some options still, although Steve Slaton? Maybe not a good first round pick. Probably should have gone with, oh, I dunno, Chris Johnson. It doesn't seem like the team has good stability, but I think Alex has been doing a good job of picking up players as quick fixes. I can't disagree with the rankings. Air McNair earns the 3 spot and the reminder that sometimes, the dead are best honored with a terrible, terrible team moniker.
2. The Long Johnsons (5-3, 879 points, 3rd place, 53)
Can I just say again, like last time, that I really love my team? I'm very happy with how things turned out, except for the fact that I drafted Calvin Johnson instead of the other long Johnson, Andre. That was a big mistake. Still, I have a top-2 scoring QB, 2 of the 6 top WRs, 2 of the 4 top RBs and Pierre Thomas, and the second-best TE. I feel like my lineup is a powerhouse. I dig it. Worries? That Schaub will fall apart because he's never had a season like this all year, leading to a decent but not amazing Flacco. That Calvin will not end up turning it around, so I'll depend instead on guys like Nate Burleson and Hakeem Nicks. Otherwise, I feel pretty good. My RB situation seems pretty solid right now. This week, I have a shot at getting vengeance on gimpy, as he beat me in Week 3 with the highest score vs. my second highest score of the week. I say bring it. I'm gonna go Bruce Willis on ya, gimpy! Zed's dead, baby! Where's my weird accent-speaking and terrible character of a French ladyfriend who wants to eat pancakes?
1. Hughes Black Cox (5-3, 847 points, 2nd place, 55)
Against all odds, Mark stays in first place! Will this be a run throughout the season, or will he fall apart like Florida inevitably will by the end of this season?! Only time will tell!
Mark's unconventional moves (to continue his QB messings, he picked up Cutler to start over Ryan for Week 8, with Brady on bye. So he had Brady, Ryan, and Cutler on his roster all at the same time. Just odd.) haven't hurt him so much. With DeAngelo picking things up and bright spots like Percy Harvin, and what do you know, New Orleans D, this team has done well so far. Enjoy the top while you can, Mark... cause you won't be there forever ...mwa...ha...ha...
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And scene.
